The free lunch metaphor was used (and sometimes, to my horror, acronym-ized to TNSTAAFL) to describe the inevitable trade off that is so central to engineering. Want more performance out of something? You'll have to pay for it energy costs. Want a faster internet? Better learn some ridiculous math and pack shit into some orthogonal signal spaces. etc. The irony of all of this was that as graduate students all we DID was look for free lunches -- I'm pretty sure I attended a rally for the preservation of ante-Colombian art in central Belize for a slice of pizza. Free chips and salsa with a 12 oz beer ? There's dinner for ya.
And as I grow older I realize that the free lunch metaphor is more and more true. Sure some people are born rich, good looking and hung like a Nubian Clydesdale. The majority of us, however, live a life of quid pro quo -- a constant tit for tat that requires us to make sacrifices in order to make amazing things happen. And so, with the discussion of horses behind us, I present to you the following map, which describes a trip I am about to embark upon. A trip that happens to require a departure on election night:
Finland! Just the thought of the country evokes the image of friendly penguins dancing at the airport, beckoning me to join them in their country's insatiable pursuit of pickled fish. Finland, where ice castles filled with vodka are at every corner! Giant beautiful women chopping wood -- and free saunas for everyone! And let's not forget Munich and Prague, both jewels of central europe, both cities made entirely of beer!
Originally this trip had me going to Israel too, which would have involved 3 weeks on the road. As much as I love the homeland, a trip of that length would have left me with a unkempt beard, undergarments that aromated strongly of fennel, and a sense of fear and loathing that always precedes the bad things. So the current itinerary is more that sufficient, and I am more than excited to see all of these places I've never been to. And though Helsinki will undoubtedly be shrouded in seasonal darkness, just you wait till I'm writing at 1am, a bottle of vodka and 3 giant pickled fishes deep.
But, as we know all know, there's no such thing as a free lunch. In order to make my Thursday meeting in Munich, I will have to travel on Election Night -- my favorite night ever. Instead of rooting all night with you for team blue, I will be left with a years worth of political blue balls. With any luck our pilot will share the results over the PA, though i doubt my supervisor race will be covered in this fashion.
So, in my absence, I have some voting day tips for you. Instead of a voting primer, which is boring and essentially useless at this point, I'd like to suggest a few guidelines for "Partying with DonnyB in mind." I will present several scenarios and provide appropriate partying steps by which you must abide to the letter, since I will not be able to share this (hopefully) glorious evening with you.
Scenario 1: Obama Victory
- Fist pump and yell "Abracadabra Motherfucker!!!" (or something similarly momentous)
- Do a shot
- If an early win (PA/OH called before my 7pm PST flight) give me a call to share the joy (I will be making out with whoever is standing next to me at SFO)
- Keep an eye on our friend Al Franken
- Repeat step (2)
- Party till your ass falls off
- Call in sick
- Repeat (2) until you pass out
- Do a shot
- Throw your TV out the window
- When looting, please keep the 1991 LA riots in mind and pick me up the following items:
- Sony D-25 Discman
- Boyz II Men Tape (CooleyHighHarmony specifically, but I'll take the appropos "End of the Road" single)
- A canadian passport
- Any illicit substances you could get your hands on.
Scenario 3: Recounts
- Do a shot
- Determine the state(s) in question
- Book airfare to this state, and email me your itinerary
- Avoid violence (you'll need all your strength when handling the riot police in Canton)
- Avoid amphetimines, Republicans and the elderly.
