Wednesday, November 26, 2008

City Report: Prague

two weeks later, what is most remarkable, is that nothing stands out about prague. The architecture was amazing, admittedly, but it was drowned on the ground by billions of tourist, all of whom seemed to have brought their skanky russian mistress. the city is steeped in fascinating history, and each building tells a story, but in the end i found the city far too overwhelming given my short stay of less than 36 hours. plus, i was recovering from an aforementioned bavarian drinking escapade. goddamn turks!  

in old cities such as prague I am always turned off by the volume of tourism that comes through .I understand that the tourism helps sustain the quality of the buildings, but really, these structures were fine before the floodgates were opened and would live a natural life without the loads of incoming euros. so, in retrospect, i offer this to those who have 'developed' this city since its soviet release: a more subtle approach would have been appreciated. for example, in Wenceslas Square, i was hoping to somehow appreciate how a few thousand czech dissidents  gathered here 40 years ago and announced a prague spring. demands of the audience would include a soviet thaw -- a step away from the hardcore values of control and iron fists. a bohemian left emerged and stood tall against soviet tanks which rolled through and killed an unknown amount of dissidents. so you stand there at this square looking slightly uphill to the National Museum,  and you think to yourself: if you had to do it over again, would you stop at four McDonalds on this two mile strip? or would you super size and go for six? If you had your choice, and were rebuilding a country, and wanted to emphasize how distant you are from a soviet top-down economy, would you build threee casinos and four sex shops? or vice versa? 

i live in a neighbhorhood overrun by tourists. in the summer, they walk up and down my street, sometimes blocking my driveway with double decker busses. half a mile downstream you could not turn without seeing several strip clubs and sex shops. this sort of development does not bother me in general . I just wish they would have left prague alone -- for all i had heard about it, and for all its history, and its ancient jewish community, and its modern soviet stand, and its peaceful re-incarnation as a new republic -- it would have been to let this one lay low. 

But we all understand how this works. Prague is beautiful and old, tremendously romantic and built across rivers and centuries. The commodification of history , architecture and love could not be stopped by soviet tanks, much less you or me. It is simply a reality -- at once beautiful and gross, not unlike that skanky russian mistress. 

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Country Update: Germany

Welcome to Germany! This is my third trip here and I must say, change gonna come. Where as before I had long seen these people as genocidal maniacs, something has changed with this visit. Perhaps it is the cleanliness of the taxis, or the audobahn, on which my business colleague topped out at 194 Km/hr while using a sonar powered navigation and steering system. I dont know what happened, but during my whole trip here, I never once felt like pissing on the floor or hate fucking some teutonic piece of ass for reparations. So, my prior trips to germany were a bit more exciting, but strangely, I am feeling very happy and comfortable to be here!  

My business requirements have me training our Germany partner for 2 days before I have to head to Prague and Finland next week. Work is proceeding swimmingly, but what has really captivated me is, of course, the reaction to our recent elections. First, let's be straight up about this -- Europe is FAR more racially non-subtle than Americans. In fact, every channel I watched showed brothers dancing up and down when obama won and then offset this with dejected McCain supporters all looking like strom thurmon's ballsack on a stick.  

I am not saying that these people are racist, but I was just suprised -- and then it occurred to me: somewhere along during the campaign I had forgotten that Barack Obama was black! Perhaps this was some jedi mind shit aspect of an amazing campaign, but seriously -- I realize he is our first black president and i realize that this is historic, but this notion was entirely overshadowed by a politics of inclusion and positivity. 

And for the first time in a LONG time, I was feeling great to be an American abroad. Folks seemed generally happy for me, and of course I had perma-grin on my face. It is incredible how much people in other countries despise (or maybe more aptly -- are confused by) Bush and the policies of the neocons. And what's even more impressive is that they know everything about the slightest details of our political spectrum. You can imagine my embarassment when I asked -- "Hey uh, so dont you have some lady running this place?" But then it became obvious -- the farther you get from watching a story closely, the broader the strokes. So the Germans see Obama as black above all, and I see some bloated lady with a bad haircut running all of Deutchland.
 
But let's face it, you dont need a sociological lesson. Shit, if thats what you wanted, you wouldn't have dropped out of high school to get your GED. I get it. You want to hear me tell you stories of me stumbling through munich after eating a 3 pound pig leg. Fine then. Heres a pic of the leg: 


And a couple accomplices: 


Must rewind! We left the hotel at 9pm. The dude driving the car was a wiry cat with a strange cackle and powerful unibrow (uni-brau?). His passenger/coworker was a Turk. Together we hammered into central munich, found impecable parking and began the evening. 

The details are sketchy. I recall several items: First -- Munich is beautiful, friendly, and goddamn fun. Here is a picture of city hall at night: 


Down below city hall, we squared up to the massive german portions as shown above. The rest of the evening involved lots of laughs and revelry. I hugged a German couple. Thirty people in a crowded bar started chanting 'Yes we can!'. I believe I drunk dialed my mom (not like THAT!). Finally, I retired in my hotel room at 3am, exhausted and anxious in anticipation of that 6am wake up call which would ready me for my travels to prague. 

The next morning was a battle of will. In the end, I successfully boarded my flight to Bonn which would eventually take me to Prague, but I will spare you the details of my struggles. Let's just say 5 liters of lager coupled with 3 white russians do funny things to my system. I should have taken a cue from our recent presidential contest and held off on the cream. That lactose will get you every time. 

Friday, November 14, 2008

Old News

Usually when I board an airplane, I have a vague anxiety that the world will be an utterly different place when i return. It's an anxiety borne of experience -- one time I got on a plane and while I was gone half of lower manhatten was exploded -- and it's one I feel every time i take off, passport in hand. More than the concern of being trapped far from home (as I was in 2001 - in Amsterdam of all places!) what grips me most is my fear that i would miss out on something momentous, and will be unable to share it with friends. When they told us to extinguish our electronic devices, I got a call from the Sky crew that everything looked good. Just then it was time to take off and --  like that! -- I was out of contact with the rest of you, Matt Gerloff's tipsy euphoria ringing sweetly in my ears... 

Somewhere over Utah, I stood up to use the bathroom. This is a habit I enjoy even more now after you-know-which shitty state funded the passing of California Prop 8. Anyway, upon my return the captain came aboard the radio and told us all -- CNN projected Barack Obama had won the presidency. A mild euphoria arose across the aisles, and I do believe I high-fived a business traveller or two. And when I sat down and turned to radio channel 9 -- there, somewhere high over the wasatch range -- i listened to Obama's address from Grant Park, Chicago. Grant Park, where my mom took me to see your 1991 world champion Chicago Bull's victory  parade. It all came together so quickly ... a beautiful trinity high over the Red plains below -- mother, city, country. And when it was all over, I poured myself a victory gin and tonic, and I raised it high to no one and everyone in particular. I took a sip and looked out the window. I could not help but notice how happy i looked in reflection, and how even in the most separate/removed/airborne conditions, I could feel so completely home. 

Monday, November 3, 2008

Discussions of Information Theory, Penguins and Recounts

When I was a graduate student at Berkeley I had a number of professors, none of whom I could understand. Whether they would talk about information theory, digital communications or natural language processing, all of these guys would butcher the english language violently. And still, a common message resonated: apparently, whether you are from India, Kazakhstan, or Russia, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

The free lunch metaphor was used (and sometimes, to my horror, acronym-ized to TNSTAAFL) to describe the inevitable trade off that is so central to engineering. Want more performance out of something? You'll have to pay for it energy costs. Want a faster internet? Better learn some ridiculous math and pack shit into some orthogonal signal spaces. etc. The irony of all of this was that as graduate students all we DID was look for free lunches -- I'm pretty sure I attended a rally for the preservation of ante-Colombian art in central Belize for a slice of pizza. Free chips and salsa with a 12 oz beer ? There's dinner for ya.

And as I grow older I realize that the free lunch metaphor is more and more true. Sure some people are born rich, good looking and hung like a Nubian Clydesdale. The majority of us, however, live a life of quid pro quo -- a constant tit for tat that requires us to make sacrifices in order to make amazing things happen. And so, with the discussion of horses behind us, I present to you the following map, which describes a trip I am about to embark upon. A trip that happens to require a departure on election night:




Finland! Just the thought of the country evokes the image of friendly penguins dancing at the airport, beckoning me to join them in their country's insatiable pursuit of pickled fish. Finland, where ice castles filled with vodka are at every corner! Giant beautiful women chopping wood -- and free saunas for everyone! And let's not forget Munich and Prague, both jewels of central europe, both cities made entirely of beer!

Originally this trip had me going to Israel too, which would have involved 3 weeks on the road. As much as I love the homeland, a trip of that length would have left me with a unkempt beard, undergarments that aromated strongly of fennel, and a sense of fear and loathing that always precedes the bad things. So the current itinerary is more that sufficient, and I am more than excited to see all of these places I've never been to. And though Helsinki will undoubtedly be shrouded in seasonal darkness, just you wait till I'm writing at 1am, a bottle of vodka and 3 giant pickled fishes deep.

But, as we know all know, there's no such thing as a free lunch. In order to make my Thursday meeting in Munich, I will have to travel on Election Night -- my favorite night ever. Instead of rooting all night with you for team blue, I will be left with a years worth of political blue balls. With any luck our pilot will share the results over the PA, though i doubt my supervisor race will be covered in this fashion.

So, in my absence, I have some voting day tips for you. Instead of a voting primer, which is boring and essentially useless at this point, I'd like to suggest a few guidelines for "Partying with DonnyB in mind." I will present several scenarios and provide appropriate partying steps by which you must abide to the letter, since I will not be able to share this (hopefully) glorious evening with you.


Scenario 1: Obama Victory
  1. Fist pump and yell "Abracadabra Motherfucker!!!" (or something similarly momentous)
  2. Do a shot
  3. If an early win (PA/OH called before my 7pm PST flight) give me a call to share the joy (I will be making out with whoever is standing next to me at SFO)
  4. Keep an eye on our friend Al Franken
  5. Repeat step (2)
  6. Party till your ass falls off
  7. Call in sick
  8. Repeat (2) until you pass out
Scenario 2: McCain Victory
  1. Do a shot
  2. Throw your TV out the window
  3. When looting, please keep the 1991 LA riots in mind and pick me up the following items:
  • Sony D-25 Discman
  • Boyz II Men Tape (CooleyHighHarmony specifically, but I'll take the appropos "End of the Road" single)
  • A canadian passport
  • Any illicit substances you could get your hands on.
4. After exhausting yourself, consider joining me in Europe! I will be at the Radisson SAS Royal in Helsinki

Scenario 3: Recounts
  1. Do a shot
  2. Determine the state(s) in question
  3. Book airfare to this state, and email me your itinerary
  4. Avoid violence (you'll need all your strength when handling the riot police in Canton)
  5. Avoid amphetimines, Republicans and the elderly.
So there you have it. I wish I could be there with you guys, but higher duty calls me to distant lands. Remember to follow these steps in detail, and if Scenario 1 comes true, give me a call on November 16th. I will renounce my higher education once and for all, and buy you a beer.