i am not one to go down quietly! purely by accident but incredibly well timed, my penultimate work week was spent in montreal , quebec, where OSI has an office. this trip was planned well ahead of time by my co-worker laurent so we that we could meet important customers. my timing was fortuitous -- i was able to resign from a different country, which is an exotic thing to tell your friends, and I dont have to spend this week having awkward conversations with co-workers. a double win. plus, i got to see montreal.
i've had my eyes on montreal for a long time. when i was 5 years old my family went on a roadtrip there and i remember small things about the city -- hockey jerseys, military time, an unintelligible populace. since, i have heard all the stories of bars and strip clubs, museums and restaurants. so i was stoked to visit the city. only one problem -- the worst winter in montreal since 1971. oof! 5000 cms of snow per hour or something (i dont go metric). treacherous! take a look at these streets :
the whole weekend was blown out so i didnt get a chance to walk around carefree, dropping in cafes, and watching extremely well dressed girls go by. nope, everyone is bundled up and looking like the michelin man. terrible, but i still got a feel for the town and was able to go out with friends a couple nights. at first , what struck me was how european everything felt, and after a couple drinks , i texted my friends in the states that europe may indeed be superfluous given our fair neighbors to the north. i told my quebecois friends this and they laughed at me. 'these people are americans that speak french, there is nothing european about them.' 'i was in paris last week, my friend -- this is absolutely not europe.' and it got me thinking, is this actually europe, somehow mistakenly placed in north american by some strange geographical mix up? or were these folks truly north americans speaking french -- just like me and you, but with a funny accent.
there are several ways to figure this out. unfortunately, I didnt ask any of my friends if they love jerry lewis. instead, ive considered my previous travels , and compiled a list of distinct categories that separate north american and european culture. i will walk through this list, assigning a score between 0 and 10 (0 being american as apple pie, 10 being a place where they watch sprockets with dieter). at the end we'll do a little calculation and see just how new world these folks in montreal really are.
A. Amount of CNN international on TV
When traveling in Europe, it's almost impossible to escape the grasp of CNN, usually in its international form. Africa, China and even Australia are all heavily covered, making Europeans feel more worldly and less a part of the american cultural hegemony. just like plain CNN , the content is utter dogshit, but being able to hear the language usually draws me so close, i feel like im dating wolf blitzer. in quebec, not only do they have CNN regular, they also get ABC and NBC from upstate New York. Luckily for canadians , they still have the CBC which allows them to get legitimate worldwide news, without the CNN ridiculousness. Score : 1
B. Children speaking incomprehensible languages (and an aforementioned jealousy of mine)
Oh ho ho! My friend Laurent had the cutest kids and even at the tender age of 3 years old his little boy was speaking French. incredible -- and so cute! he tried talking to me but it wasnt going anywhere so we just made lots of noises at each other and high fived. this is pretty much the extent of my ability to communicate with these kids and it drives me crazy. i want to speak french! mainly just to be able to talk dirty but whatever, why not me? sure i got some russian under my belt but believe me, russian is not sexy, unless your name is olga and you carry bales of hay. Score : 8
C. Arrogance/Rudeness
Nothing says Europe like arrogant people who want nothing to do with my New World ass. actually, they dont care how old my worldy ass is, folks in europe have the repuatation for being rude, especially in france. When i was in high school we asked my history teacher, mr. garvey, why the french hated us. "how could you like someone that had to save your ass TWICE. " Mr Garvey was a brilliant man. I felt a bit weird in Montreal speaking english , but everyone was super friendly. I think part of this is climate -- when your nipples are falling off from the cold and you are balls deep in snow, you have to learn to take care of one another. i think this is also a reason canada is entirely crime free (look it up!). even my friend Laurent, who is french, cant stand french people, but finds the Quebecois warm and friendly. Score: 1
D. Worthless currency
Did you know that in post-war hungary, inflation rates were so high that in the time hungarians took to go from the bank to the store to buy bread, their bills had deflated in value by 10 times?? ok, so its not that bad out there for us, but it's still a sad day in the currency markets, my friends. that is, unless you're holding a shit-ton of Canuck Bucks. my god! last time I was in Canada, the exchange rate was 50% better. WOW! I love GWBush!!!! Canada seems like an economic power house compared to us right now, and thats no laughing matter. this is though: the capital city of saskatchewan is regina and it totally rhymes with vagina. Score: 4
E. smoking
I think Canada started the death warning cigarette pack, but they have taken it to a whole new level:
This is a tricky category because while cigarette labels are scary, which is positively un american, you cant smoke anywhere, which i guess is just becoming the rule everywhere (france included). This category is a wash.
Score : 5
F. cops on the street/socialism
People in the US are obsessed with fighting crime by putting more armed cops on the streets while canada fights it with crytpo-socialism . guess what? socialism wins! this isnt just me being a commie -- i saw 1 cop car during my 5 day stay in montreal and somehow, nothing happened to me. canadians spend all their money on taxes, which go to education and health/child care which allows people to live better, despite the fact that their dont take home as much as us. while surely this flies in the face of the free market capitalism on which the american economy and culture so heavily lean, you cant deny that its creates a government and social system of compassion. plus, with global warming, this place is gonna be balmy by the time i retire! so guess where i'm going? regina. Score: 8
G. facial moles/bad teeth
Everyewhere you go in europe, people's grills are all jacked up. either their teeth go in forteen directions or they have a horrendous mole, which in my head moves around when i'm not looking. I mentioned this when i was in Spain -- that either new world foreign policy or our diets, or something, has , blessedly, eradicated the mole from our gene pool. same as teeth -- people in the US have straighter chomphers and if they dont, they goddamn fix em. quebec was no exception. beautiful girls, no moles to fuck it all up. teeth straight and shiny. nice job montreal!! Score: 1
H. Breakfast meats
Heres the real decider -- breakfast in europe is a real to do. Hard boiled eggs, salads, cured meats, smoked meats, meaty meats. meat everywhere, let me tell you. In germany they would just wrap up the appetizer tray from the night before's dinner and re-serve that for breakfast the next day. smoked fishes, vegetables. it was proposterous - and delicious! the quebecois perfer a far simpler fare of crappy scrambled eggs, sausage/bacon , home fry potatoes and fruit. if you're lucky you can find a croissant and the special montreal bagel. but all in all, pretty standard fare. Score: 2
I. anti american sentiment
Perhaps its our dying currency, or because we're their #1 trade partner, but I felt very little anti-american sentiment from our canadian friends. sure they hate bush, but so do we and its almost like their feel sorry for us to have to put up with that craziness. and now that our dollar is equal to theirs, our ecomonic heroism is not something to really lionize. its just a bit sad really. its like canada was our little brother, and as big brothers we would do all kinds of cool shit , like drive big cars, make out with cheerleaders and invade panama. then, one day it turns out that big bro has a raging drug problem and starts going apeshit, causing his superhero status and economic wherewithall to decline to a fucking joke. except this joke isnt funny -- say hello to $12/gal gas! Score: 1
So after careful calculation, my scientific calculation gives Montreal an American rating of 3.9. Big points for communism and anti-smoking legislation, but at the end of the day, these folks were just too friendly to properly be considered French. Think of it : a nearby city with friendly people, good teeth and a tremendously powerful currency. Sounds like heaven to me ! Now, if they could only do something about that ridiculous snow situation.... gotta have goals!
